So, one of the really big issues the last week for the BY Universe has been arranging the perks of our jobs. The GC's job gives a lot more perks, due to her joining a mega-corporation of docs. Mine gives a lot less, but some nice ones though. One of the things that it is lacking in is Disability Insurance.
So for the last week or so, I've been trying to secure my current policy and keep it with me. (Editors note: It really seems somewhat morbid to try to figure out which service I might need. If I lose my left arm and my right eye, would I want to do EP, general cardiology, or shovel fries? Oh, the choices!)
Finally I have got something lined up, but have to get a "paramedical exam". This constitutes a nurse (I think) filling out forms and "collecting blood and urine samples." This is what I have just survived... er... returned from.
So all day, I've been psyching myself up. Freaking out more like it. For those who don't know, I have an extreme extreme fear of needles puncturing my body. Seriously. Yes, I know I do complex cardiac ablations, placing needles and catheters all over other peoples places, cutting and sewing, blood galore ... blah blah blah... STILL HAPPENS! Doesn't make sense, I know. I'm a wuss, but I'm man enough to admit it. (I think)
So, back to today, my Appointment of Doom is at 4pm. I eat a bagel in the morning (foregoing my daily ritual of a chicken biscuit with my co-fellow, for fear of skewing up my lipid panel.... yes I know what you're thinking!) and that's it. Nothing else all day. I have a cokezero for lunch, after clinic. (Where coincidentally enough I had a patient with syncope... ahh the foreboding!)
As I leave the hospital to go to the AoD, I can feel the sense of dread building up in my gullet. Nah, I think, I'm just hungry.... I get to the parking lot of the nondescript building at 3:45. Damn, I'm early!! I sit and wait. Finally at 3:50, I can't take it anymore and go inside.
I go in to the office building, built circa 1960s complete with acoustic tile and shag carpeting (hmmm, looks comfy, maybe I'll land softly...). There was a old portrait style picture of some old lady who must have been original. There I met Lynn. Very nice and professional. She takes me over to "the table", upon which I see a collection of vials (a rainbow, so to speak, ... Gulp!) as well as a urine cup and a BP cup.
So I sit down and we go through the questionnaire:
Have you ever done crack cocaine, heroin, LSD, meth, MJ? Nope
Have you ever smoked? nope
Have you ever ... yada yada yada...
Some questions took so long, and were multiple punctuations, I had have her repeat them... probably raising her suspicions.
All the while my eyes were focused on the vials....
So I get measured...
Height 6 ft, check
Weight 182, damn! Maybe too many chicken biscuits.
BP 130/72. What! I demand a recount!
HR 60... hmmmmm
"Well, that's it for the paperwork..."
"Wait!!! Um... Can't we do the questions again?!?! I don't think I understood them..."
So here it is... the Moment.
I'm sitting comfy in an office chair. I start rolling up my sleeve. I look over, longingly at the exam table, wishing I could just curl up in the fetal position. About this time Lynn's assistant walks in. I never got her name... I also decide, at this time, to confess my problem. Really, they chuckle, aren't you a doctor?
So it's really on now! Lynn takes my left arm, as I look away. I close my eyes, and begin to yammer rubbish. At some point I mentioned the BY! (It really is all her fault!!!!) The ladies try to take this queue to divert my attention from the 8 foot long needle they're about to jam into my antecubital fossa.
"Oh is this your first...."
Feeling the pinch of that dammed rubber tourniquet snap around my arm. I think she removed some of my hair. That's ok though, I have plenty more.
"Yes"
"Why that's nice"
"Yes I really think it is. Don't you think we need to go over the questions some more?"
**prick***
"Are you ok?"
"... yes ...."
I thought I was. I felt the needle go in. Not so bad, I thought, I can make it! (My eyes were still closed with my head turned the other way.)
But then it happened. I could feel the fuzziness start to come over me. Started somewhere near the shag carpeting, into my toes, up my legs... Then the ears (dammed them) got all muffled... Tunnel vision came next... (How does one get tunnel vision with their eyes closed!?!?!?!?!?!?) I knew I was the Titanic, I was going down.
" ... um.... no ..."
Ahhhh.... I was back in my 4Runner... turning into my driveway... pulled up to the Green Machine.... saw Charmaine and the BY playing in the yard.....
" .. MICHAEL!!! MICHAEL!!! MICHAEL !!!" ... shake, shake, shake....
"..wh- wh- what?..." oh crap!!! They were both standing up now looking at me. Somehow I had managed to stay in the chair... feet on the ground... but about as slouched into it as possible with my head all the way back... cold and clammy all over... Damn! (maybe they could take the urine sample now from the carpet..... just kidding, thankfully)
The nurse helper went off to fetch me some water, while Lynn dutifully put a bandaid over my boo-boo. I got a nice cold bottle of Deer Park water out of it. Ahhh! Refreshing.
So by this time I am totally embarrassed, so I do what I do best, make fun of myself. Lynn and helper decide to jump in on it too, "There's no way you're going to make it through your wife's delivery!!! Thanks.
"So, ummm, does this little event get logged on the paperwork?" (nervous giggle)
Awkward silence... **chirp, chirp***
So, once they feel I can stand again, I have go to the bathroom and provide some urine. Thankfully I regained my motor functions and was on target! I brought the cup back.
"That's it! You're done"
Great. Thanks.
"Is this really going on the paperwork?!?!?"
Stay tuned.
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