The Toddler's Code ... BY Style

Got this email from the GC2.0 the other day.  It fits perfectly in our new lifestyle...  Editors notes in italics...

So I present, the Toddler's Code (BY Style)

• If it is on, I must turn it off.
• If it is off, I must turn it on.
• If it is folded, I must unfold it.
• If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled. (totally) 
• If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
• If it is high, it must be reached.
• If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
• If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed. (thankfully, not yet...)
• If it has leaves, they must be picked.
• If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
• If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
• If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor. (Hence... Pizzeration)
• If it is closed, it must be opened.
• If it does not open, it must be screamed at. (unfortunately so...)
• If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
• If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table. (oh god!... that would be horrific!)
• If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied. (Hence... Pizzeration)
• If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
• If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
• If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead. (even when I walk like a drunken sailor)
• If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
• If Dad's hands are full, I must be carried.
• If Mum is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
• If it is paper, it must be torn. (or newspaper or magazines or bills)
• If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
• If the volume is low, it must go high.
• If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
• If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
• If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
• If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
• If it is a phone, I must talk to it. (or scream at full throat when I cannot)
• If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
• If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor. (Much to Ham's delight)
• If it is not food, it must be tasted.
• If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
• If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
• If it is a carseat, it must be protested with arched back. (Also in this category, if my diaper is dirty, I must protest with arched back!)

 

 

 

 

 

[Source: Paul Dixon's Joke-of-the-Day Zine]