Hello from Mike’s ‘Baby Mama’

I know, I know, this is Mike’s blog, and believe me, I’m glad for it, but the other day I thought that a cameo appearance was in order. Now that I’ve read Mike’s most recent post, I think I deserve a chance to document what I am really thinking (not that I’m implying that he lied – I probably really did say all of those things).

First of all, pregnancy is no picnic. Of course, I’m not a particularly pleasant pregnant woman, but any woman who says that it’s wonderful is certifiably nuts. (And women who pay surgeons money to enlarge their breasts to DDs and beyond should be put in a straightjacket.)

But this wild overdose on progesterone does have its interesting moments. The part about renting out your body is true --for 33 years every cell in my body has concentrated on making me fitter to survive, but about a month after conception all of that changed. Now I am nothing more than an incubator for the survival of the future Yarnoz (and have the hot flashes to prove it.) No longer do any of my cells care what happens to me. It’s quite the betrayal, really. The fact that this has happened for millennia boggles my mind sometimes.

Anyway, this is what I am really thinking:

Most miserable moment: Weeks 4 – 17 wanting to simultaneously eat and vomit on a constant basis
Most amazing moment: Watching Mike’s face the first time he did an ultrasound on me. (“Wow! That thing is big! No wonder you feel like crap!!”)
Strangest moment: Tearing up over roadkill. That’s when I knew I had crossed over and the hormones had me.

Worst experience of the first trimester: Interviewing in Wilmington with terrible morning sickness. Then driving around in a car all day looking at houses.
Best experience of the first trimester: Mike’s ultrasounds, reminding me there was a reason for all of this.

Worst realization of the second trimester: Whatever I put on, it won’t look good.
Best realization of the second trimester: I’m halfway there.

Worst physical change: Toss up between my mid-thoracic back pain and bigger butt. But the back pain wins. It’s a killer at work.
Best physical change: Probably not appropriate for the blog… The runner up is my own baby soft skin.
Weirdest physical change: The super-powerful olfactory nerve. The evolutionary reason for this is amazing. If I were a prehistoric woman and there was a stinky carnivore or poisonous fish anywhere near me this baby would be safe, I tell you.

Thing I miss the most: Haiti. No, ibuprofen. No, Haiti. Well, that’s a tough one. I suspect the first thing I will do when this thing pops out is take ibuprofen. So I guess it’s the winner. But I definitely miss Haiti.
Thing I miss the least: WINE! So surprising! I wanted to break all the rules but I have no taste for it. (I also did not drink coffee for 6 months… for those of you who know me, this is quite amazing as well.)

Biggest craving: Citrus fruits.

Most interesting thing going on at home: Well, besides the new jobs, new house, moving, etc, it’s definitely the fact that Hamilton has sniffed out the rival and knows his life is about to change. (Whereas Mike seems to have no idea!) I thought those stories about dogs sniffing out tumors was hokey, but he’s onto the teratoma inside of me.
Most interesting thing going on away from home: All the staring at my abdomen. And the knowing smiles from the community of women who are already mothers.

(: cal