8/26/09- A Day for BY

As I recount KP's birthday, please keep in mind that my memories might be altered by the events of that day, as well as the current combination of sleep deprivation and head cold.

4:20am- Hmmmm.... drowsy... I meander through my sleeping haze. Hmmm, why are the lights on? Hmmm.... Oh well, back to sleep...

4:30am- "Mikey.... Mikey.... I think its time to go the hospital." Wha? WHAT!?!??! Oh crap! I'm up.... and a little dazed. The GC is dressed and showered, hair still slightly wet. Really?!?!? "Yes dear... I think I broke my water." Oh man!! "You can take a shower though, and get freshened up." Ok.

4:35am- I'm in the shower. I can't open the soap dispenser... my hands were shaking. Whew! Get a grip dude! There, its open, now I can bathe.

4:37am- I'm done and toweling off. I hear a racket in the kitchen. Maine, what are you doing? "I'm cleaning up here." Really!?!?!? Seriously!?!?! Actually, does this surprise anyone? I should've known. I take Ham out for an instant pee... man, he is in for a whirlwind 48hrs. He still was in his wakeup stretch when I dragged him outside.

4:50am- We're in the car driving down to the hospital. Speed bumps. eh!?!? This might make labor go faster! I think better and go slow.

5:00am- We're at the hospital and racing through the halls. Well, I'm racing, dragging the poor GC behind me. Damn, woman keep up!!! What's the deal!?!?!? We get to the L&D triage area and get checked in. A nice older nurse named Fifi (with a streak of pink dye in her gray hair?) came and got us set up. "Did your water break?" Um, why do you think we're here? Because we were out for a stroll and got bored... damn! "Well, let me see." After her check, she decided to call the OB. Seems that they need to see the "water" pouring out of you to believe it. Hmm. So we wait for the OB.

5:30am- No OB. Contractions coming. GC in pain, and actually getting more uncomfortable. Damn I hope we don't have this baby here!

5:45am- NO OB. Seriously!?!?! What's the deal? Is she dead? "I paged her twice and she hasn't responded." Well, do something.

7:00am- FINALLY THE OB ARRIVES. We'd never met her before, but she was way too chipper/bubbly for this early in the AM. Especially since we had been waiting for-ever! No reason/excuse was given. She comes in, chit-chats, and then goes to check under the hood! "hmmm... doesn't look like your water is broken. But let's go under the microscope." Really, do people fake labor???

7:15am- She returns.... "I searched all over the slide, and finally found some ferning! You're in labor." Hooray, no give us the epidural!!! IV time and blood work. Test #1 for my vagus nerve: PASSED... No passing out. Not yet.

8:00am- We get to the L&D suite. Things are moving fast now. We get dropped off in the bed. The GC is in lots of pain. "I need my epidural." Everyone kept asking what our birth plan was. Real simple: drugs, drugs, drugs, deliver baby, drugs, sleep. Same answer everytime.

8:15am- Anesth MD comes to do the epidural. Whew! It's about time. Review of her history... Come on people, let's go. So we set up the GC for the epidural. (Editors note: The epidural procedure is the subject of a totally different post, titled "Vagus, Baby Vagus!!" Please stay tuned for details.)

8:30am- We're done with epidural. The GC asks "When is it going to feel better?" Just wait, says the exasperated anesth. 2 Contractions later, the GC is on cloud 9.....ahhhhhh!

8:40am- I send out the first email. I know I missed many many people, but I tried.

9:00am- Contractions are wizzing by... the GC.... ahhhhh!!!! "I love epidurals!"

9:30am- We hear a horrific, blood curdling scream from the lady next door. We turn to each other, smile, and say "She didn't get an epidural."

12:30am- Nurse check. "Hmmm... a little blood show. let me look. Wow. You're at 10cm. Let me call the MD." The MD comes in (a different one... shift change ended at 7am.... this one was awesome.) "Wow... I guess we can try our lot at pushing." In come a gaggle of nurses: main nurse, nurse assistant, baby nurse and md. The bed now is transformed into the "birthing bed". (Insert your own mechanical noises here.) Out come the stirrups. Down goes the foot. Then position the GC for delivery.

12:45pm- Ok, now push. The GC pushes.... On the monitor, the baby's HR goes from a rocksteady 140-150bpm to 60-70bpm. And stays there. The GC stops. Everyone looks at the monitor. Dead silence. We wait, seemingly for a hour, for the HR. Finally it picks back up. Everyone looks to the MD. I do remember something from OB (besides "empuje, senorita, empuje") and decels are not good. I think my HR jumped into the stratosphere. "Well, your baby has been rock steady the whole time. Which is good. What she just did probably means that the cord is wrapped around her neck." Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Gulp! I now envisioned C-section and OR room. I got real sweaty. "So what we're going to do is watch, and wait for Mother Nature to push the baby down. Then, when she is right at the front door, we'll push and guide her if we need to." Ok... I really couldn't think straight at this point. I had no idea (and still don't) as to what the GC was thinking. So we wait on Mother Nature. She works on her own time.

2:00pm- Nothing. Waiting.

3:00pm- Nothing. Waiting.

4:00pm- Now we have entered the "Ring of Fire." Here was my anatomy lession of the day, compliments of Linda, the OB nurse. As the baby descends in the birth canal, they come across the rectum. This is a tough organ to navigate, since it is tethered to the anus, and really doesn't want to move. Somehow the baby is then supposed to turn upward and come out the "front door." Well, supposedly the epidural can alleviate the contraction pain... But the pressure pain of the baby ramming its head on and through the birth canal stays. Judging by the GC's reaction. It must hurt like a royal b%$&#!!!!

The MD came back in. "Ok we're close. I'll come back at 4:30, if you can stand it. Then we'll start pushing." The GC was ready.

4:20pm- "Whew" the GC exclaims, "this really is a doozy." She clearly looks uncomfortable.

4:40pm- The MD comes back. "Alright let's get started." The team arrives. whoosh! The bed returns to OB position. The stirrups arrive in their upright position. Here we go. They give us the trial run of how things will go. The GC is ready. Glasses are set. Let's gooooo!!!

5:00pm- Push push push push. Good girl. You're soo close.

5:05pm- PUSH push push push. Good girl. You're soo close.

5:10pm- Push push push push. Good girl. You're soo close. At this point I've had enough. "Listen girls," I tell the nurses, "this ain't going to work. You guys can't keep saying 'so close'. You have to come up with more descriptive terms, that tells us we're really moving here." Ok

5:15pm- Push push push push. Good girl. You're so so so close. Thanks. Regular comedians.

More pushing and pushing. I, true to my word, stayed up north. I didn't want to see the action. Unfortunately, the nurses kept egging me on. "Come on... take a look at your baby." So I did... All I saw was hibiclens liquid, cream, and a whole lotta hair. I didn't take another look until the end.

6:00pm- "Ok," the MD says, "GC, I can see that you're getting tired. I can use the suction over here to assist... -" The GC, exhausted at this point, says "DO IT!!!" And away we go!!! He takes out this suction contraption, with a hand lever, and brings it into the field. Oh boy! I'm definitely not going to watch this.

6:17pm- She's out. Thank God. The baby nurses wisk her away to the warmer. Whew! The GC is spent. She was awesome throughout the whole thing. Kemper is beautiful.

And I didn't pass out through the whole thing!

But this is not about me.