In Memorial...

So we here in the BY Universe will be in memorial for many things this coming Memorial Day:

• A quiet, blissful household
• Our young, carefree days
• Clothes free of spit up or snot
• Sleep
• The Breastpump

What a minute, you say!  I remember that that baby was "Industrial strength, hospital grade."  It could suck-start a Harley... suck the chrome off a bumper.... you get the drift.  But apparently, the Industrial Strength, Hospital Grade Mandela Breast Pump met its match....

The GC 2.0!!!

Yup, you heard it correctly.  I was flabbergasted when I came home from work today.  I had to check it out myself.  It has been confirmed.

Ding, dong the Breastpump was dead!!!!

 It couldn't handle the size, load and duties placed on it by GC2.0.   I think I can imagine the poor pump's last minutes of life this AM .... "shhh-shhh-shhh-shhh"  (the usual sound it makes as it "pumps")...  "shhh-shhh-shhh-sh^*!!!! I give up!!!! pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttt!"  And then it was silenced forever.

Thank goodness, we have the BP1.0 aka the handsfree Mandela boobiesucker to start back up again...

I don't know how we're going to explain this one to the rental agency!

So, let us have a moment of silence, as we memorialize the loss of a true, dear friend of the family...





Dessert

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Sloppy Joes

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Battle Scars

So today was a normal weekend day in the BY Universe... one filled with crying, puking, pooping, napping, more crying, and all around fussiness.

Somehow through it all, I wore one outfit...  but probably should've changed... maybe a couple of times.  At the end of the day, I looked at this outfit, and was pretty much aghast.

So I took a picture with my computer camera, and now it's a blog post.  See the legend below.

(Editor's Note: What you won't see on this outfit is either blood or poop/poopoo/poopie.  I am really not sure how I came away from this day unsoiled.  It's not like KP and Twizzles didn't try to throw there best shots at me, sometimes even multiple times.  I am still amazed by how much KP can produce...)

Legend (Note: not in chronological order):

1. Spittoon from the Dude
2. I wasn't sure how to assign this one, but decided on subletters instead of little circles.  This is the "action shoulder"- since I am right handed, almost everything I do happens on this shoulder.
    a. Pizzle snot.  Seems this is where she really likes to wipe when I am carrying her.
    b. Pizzle drool.  Not as bad as the snot this time.  Pretty tame.
    c. Mila spittoon.  This one almost might be classified as vomit.  Maybe not.  This one also occurred towards the end of the day, and almost made me change outfits.  But I forged on.
3.  Dude drool.  The Dude's a cuddler.  It also seems he likes to lay a little lower on the ol' belly, leading to mid-chest emissions.
4.  Editor sweat.  It seems "Degree" just ain't up to the mustard of handling KP and the Twizzles.  I might have to write the company a letter.  I could solicit another advertiser for the blog.
5.  Dude Urine.  You might be thinking to yourself.  "Man, he got peed on twice!  That sucks!"  Well, sort of.  Around 2-ish this pm, the GC2.0 notices that the Dude has a "TeeTee Esplosion!" and needs a change.  Well, the Editor was up to the task.  I lift him up by his cute little overalls and take him upstairs.  When I laid him down on the changing table I noticed two wet stains on my shirt.  "Hmm, how did that happen?"  I lifted up the shirt... "TeeTee".  "But 2??"  Then I see.  Turns out, by lifting and holding him up by his overalls, I caused extra strain and tension on his G-diaper.  This, in turn, caused his Tee-Tee to be squeezed out (like wringing out a sponge) and run down each leg.  Yup.  Colossal G-diaper failure.  Time to go up in weight class.  The Dude was left out of his overalls for the rest of the day.
6.  Mila urine.  This was right after the Dude's esplosion, and I knew it was going to happen.  She was fairly soaked in Tee-Tee, and there was nothing I could do.  Good thing I hadn't changed my shirt!!!
7.  Pizza sauce.  Hmmm...  You might be thinking... "Editor, are you a messy eater?"  Why, no, I just had the pleasure of sitting next to the Pizz.  "But, doesn't she loooooove Pizza!!??"  Why, yes she does.  But it seems, that she has started to realize the different components to pizza.  She loves the cheese, crust and sauce, and pretty much doesn't care for anything else.  So, she now will take a piece of pepperoni draped with cheese and sauce, eat off the cheese and throw the pepperoni overboard!  My leg just got in the way.
8.  Lotion.  The Pizz loves her lotion.  She loves to rub it in her hands and arms.  She also loves to wipe it everywhere...  I couldn't dodge this one.
9.  Trauma to the Family Jewels!!!  This occurred in the middle of one Pizz and Daddy's play.  She was crawling to get off of my chest and then just sent a right high knee straight to the giblets!  This one didn't leave a mark... externally.  But boy, did the internal organs take a shot!!!  I saw stars and, I think, lost consciousness.
10.  Editor Tee-Tee.  This one was daddy's fault, but occurred shortly after number 9.  Sorry.

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Babies and Breakfast

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Fish n chips

Somebody discovered Tartar Sauce

At the end of the meal, when the waitress tried to take her plate, she threw herself over it, arms outstretched.... screaming "Mine!!!...

Ahhh, what a proud moment for parenthood.

Athletic Cuteness

Surviving the BtS-M2.0 Weekend - Best and Worst!!!

So many things happened this past weekend, that to try to post them all would, frankly, take up time that I just do not have right now.

(Editor's Note:  I am trying to blast this post out while attempting to put the Twizzles to bed.  Man, that Dude sure takes forever to fall asleep!!)

So here are the Best/Worst from the weekend, as only we here at BY Universe can dish out!!!

Best Family Moment:  frankly, just having everyone here was totally awesome.  It was a shame that some couldn't make it.  But to those that did, a heartfelt thanks!

Worst Family Moment:  well, just seems that there wasn't enough time in the days to truly talk to everyone... and feel like you reconnected.

Best Dressed:  Without a doubt....  The Man, the Myth, the new Legend!!  The Chan-man... All I have to say is 3-piece white linen suit with white bucks.  Absolutely fabulous.  I wish I had the skillz to pass that off.

Most Fabulous Dressing Options:  Mo.  Seems that she had like a ga-gillion dresses packed into her stainless steel coffin she called a suitcase...  After snapping these priceless pics, she returned to the GM to don a whole, new "cooking wardrobe"  Setting the bar pretty high here for the old chef to aspire too....

Best Performance by a Party, Not Named Yarnoz, Jasper, Rabalais, or Kinnett:  Tanya.  The Godmother-in-law stepped right in and was a part of this rapidly growing family.  She better be careful though... the way this family procreates ... just by essentially sneezing... is one for the scientific journals.  Be warned!!!


Best Food of the Weekend:  Man, I cannot decide.  I am still jones-ing for some hanger steak with chimchurri sauce...  An unbelievable shout out goes to the designed, producer and presenter of this lovely spread....  Mo!  Man, every day goes by that hurts me to realize that we couldn't kidnap you and make you our Mo-pair!



The Of-Course There has to be a Food Issue at Yarnoz Baptism Moment:  Sometimes a picture says a thousand words!!!  If only he had a Miller Lite in his hand!!!








Worst Dressed of the Weekend:  wait!  This isn't sexy?!?!?


Best Bet of the Weekend:  Two contestants.  Who'd start dancing first?  Laura or Anne.  The loser would start down a downward spiral...  Man, I thought I had a solid, solid selection.  I guess Chan has had a supremely long head start in this family.


The "Man I Feel Hungover...er... Wait... I Just Have a Gastroenteritis" award goes to....
The Editor.  I spent the whole Sunday popping Tums, Zantac, Tylenol in hopes of improving my condition.  When Grayson started vomiting outside.... hmmm... "Lightbulb!!!"  I'm just sick...  This was later supported/confirmed by Mo and Ita coming down with the affliction as well.

Most Quantity of Beer/Wine/Liquor that was Bought/Stored/Enjoyed in the GM in a while.  Enough said.

Best Improvisational Dance Floor:  well, leave it to the Rabalais/Kinnetts to make a dance floor anywhere... even in a smll kitchen patio.  All it takes is a little booze, a little "Aretha Franklin and the Blues" channel on Pandora, and the evening time to create a dancing extravaganza.

I don't know how you delete that?!  Sorry!

Best "Dance Monkey Dance!"  Of course.  Who else!  I have to produce the video soon.  But essentially all the ladies wanted to dance with him.  He was a machine!!!

Bad Combinations: iPhone cameras and booze....  woopsie!  I am sure that pic will get circulated for a while.

Best Cuteness Moment:  Hmmm... too many to choose from.  Just simply passed out cuteness to all. 



Worst Cuteness Moment: She did have some fussy moments...  especially when she wanted to be up at the altar during the BtS-M ceremonies.  It was almost like the S-Man had returned to inhabit the Pizz, and she new it... She wanted to get him out all over again!!!

Let's get this thing started!

Best Moment of the Weekend: realizing that this is going to be the last time we have to Banish the S-Man!!!!

What a minute?  You are going to do what?!?!

Surviving the "Banish the S-Man Weekend 2.0"

Well, yes this post is about 3 days late. 

But it has only just taken me this time to recover, digest, crop pictures, and reline my GI tract...

Oh yes...



What the h377?!?!?  Didn't we just do this?

More pics... and videos to follow....

An BY Interlude!

There they were, two sleep deprived lovers, kissing each other goodbye in the hotel parking lot.  They each got into their separate cars and drove off.

What did we just witness?  Was this a romantic, illicit interlude?  Do their spouses know?  The rumors can be seen now..... 

"I saw Dr Lewis kissing some hunky dude in a parking lot and then driving off.  Man, he was really, really hunky.  I think he might be a movie star, or maybe working on the next seasone of One Tree Hill"  ... 

"I saw Dr Yarnoz kissing some hot vixen, although dressed down to avoid suspicion, and then drive off.  man, that Dr Y is hot!"  ...
 
********

Flashback...  In advance of the "Banish the S-Man 2.0 Weekend", La-la came in early yesterday.  An then an amazing idea was hatched: to give us the "night" off completely... spending it a separate location.

So, with all of her hotel points, we got a free night at the Hampton Inn.  Right next to the hospital!  Sexy.

So, after a hectic day yesterday, we drove off in separate cars (so that I can go to work later).  We were thinking of somewhere romantic to eat dinner.  Nothing came up.  We're soo off our game, I think we left it in Tampa like 3 moves ago...  So, then we defaulted to where we can get some booze....  Chilis!

We dined in at Chili's!  Very sexy!

The waitress couldn't get out the line "Would you like to try one of our Presidente margaritas?" fast enough, before the GC2.0 shouted "yes"

Then, after our romantic dinner of hamburgers and chicken sandwiches, we go to the hotel. 

8pm.  Man, what are we going to do with our time... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


Very very sexy!

Happy Mother's Day!

So, we here at BY Universe have just put the cap on a wonderful (translation: hectic) Mother's Day weekend!

It all started on Friday, with the arrival of the GC2.0's Mother's Day bouqet.  (Very beautiful if I do say so myself).  This then transitioned into a lovely date night (see prior post).

Saturday came too quickly for the Editor, but he rebounded surprisingly.  Ahh, sushi!  We somehow got the whole BY Universe to go to a birthday party.  (Editor's Note: now, the BY Universe is surprisingly un-mobile.  Anytime we want to go, it takes like an hour.  Seriously.  Between getting each individual cuteness in the their individual cute outfits, and then packing the "emergency bag" and then packing them up takes forever.  By the end of it, the GC2.0 and I each need a beer and a makeover.

But the party was lovely.  But it seems the Pizz is getting a little rep.  The last 2 birthday parties we've been too, it seems that can't keep her clothes on.  Yup!  Somehow she does something (read: plays too aggressively near a water table) to get absolutely soaked.  Then of course, the one thing we forget to bring is a backup outfit.  (How!?  I don't know.  We freakin have like 100 diapers!  Why can't we just duct-tape together an outfit!)  But, leave it to the GC2.0.  She's a regular female/mommy/MacGyver.  She whips out one of our 8 baby blankets, and makes a sarong!  (sp????  Man, that's a word I never thought I would blog about)

Whew!  Somehow we survived it!

Sunday was the big day!  The GC2.0 somehow got up extra early to make pancakes!  The Editor failed, and somehow overslept until 7am.  This is extra difficult due to the fact that we have to go to 8am mass.  Yup!  This is definitely the less crowded one, and we can't have 2 screaming infants ruin God.  Plus, my whole excommunication thing is still pending in front of the Holy See.

So, this makes for a very fast, interesting am.  I run downstairs.  Wolf down some yummy pancakes.  (Note: Some of you might be wondering why I didn't get up and make breakfast!  Well, my answer is who in their right mind would try to get up a make a lovely breakfast when there are 2 screaming infants and 1 todder with raging otitis knowing that you have to be at church like 15mins before 8 and it takes you an hour to pack up everything.  Wait... oh!)  Run upstairs.  Shower in like 5 mins.... no shaving.... man, I look ragged.  Throw on some slacks and a shirt.  And help the GC2.0 pack.  "Maine, we can't make it on time!  Why don't we bag it?  Plus, I might not actually be allowed in!"  "No, you silly goose.  Get steppin'"  (Note:  as a point of reference... silly goose might not be the actual words she used... in fact, whenver I have put in the words "silly goose", just know that is the G-rated version)

So we blaze off in the Santa Maria to Church, and somehow make it only 5 mins late.  Our punishment:  sitting all the way up in front!!!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  Tooo close to God.  "Maine, I get it... this is the point where I get struck down... thanks!"

But, somehow I survived, and lived through the mass.  As you might be wondering, I didn't drop the Host this time.  I had to prop the Dude up in my left arm and hold out my right hand only.  NO more open mouthing it for me!  Presto!  No excommunication!!!

Then, after nap time, came the pre-planned Mommy Day picnic!!!  We packed up the crew and trucked over to the park.  There we had a lovely lunch of salad, turkey, chips and potato salad.  The weather cooperated, and so did the KP and Twizzles.... well... except for phototime!

Man, we tried to snap away at every second, but couldn't get the right shot!  I went through about 200 pics, but no magical winner of the group!  Mostly it was the Pizz being difficult...








But we tried!

All in all, it was a lovely Mother's Day weekend.  What would you expect to honor the best, sexiest (that's why we're in this predicament), smartest, most organized, sassiest, sharpest Mother in the fleet!

Happy Freakin Mother's Day!!!

Lessons Learned from Date Night

So last night, the GC2.0 and I ventured forth to the land of the living....

Date Night!!!!

(A special thanks to Merle for assisting in this endeavor.)

We were so giddy to be out and about on the town, that we let our exuberance get to us. We learned the hard way some important lessons for future date nights.

1. Never order a bottle of wine, for "value purposes". This was my idea, and probably the first issue with evening. Our poor little livers have not been properly exercised in this regard. Oopsie.

2. On a very tasty menu, don't let your eyes dictate your selection, or in our case, selections. Seems the choices of crab dip, large caesar salad, fried flounder and a large plate of sushi and sashimi might sound very tasty, but can cause supreme havoc on your innards.

3. Don't feel obligated to eat everything you order. This is purely my fault; one of my deep seated personality flaws. I cannot waste money/food. A sidebar flaw to this is my love of the free refill. When the GC2.0 wisely put down her fork, the ol' Editor was there to clean up the plates!!! Man, I can't do that anymore.

4. Large sushi plates might be tasty, but could be really painful. All that combination of rice, wine and water caused a huge reaction in my stomach. Mainly the dang rice just kept expanding and expanding. When we finally got up from the table, I think I looked 4 months pregnant.

5. Never try to finish off a bottle of wine by yourself. See #3 for my reasons. But when the GC2.0 backed off the vino, guess who was there to pick up the slack. Yup, the 4-month pregnant dude. This evening wasn't going to end well.

6. Never try to improve your situation with coffee and desert. So after about 1 hour of this date night, the tipsy 4-month pregnant dude realized the error of his ways. But how could he remedy this situation. With more food and coffee!!! Of course. Food to absorb the booze and coffee to sober me up!!! Sounds excellent!!!

7. Don't let the hot MILF order the desert. Yup the jumbo 11-layer chocolate cake might sound amazing, but when she only eats 2 bits of it, guess who's getting stuck with the extra. See #3&5.

8. Don't let the waiter convince you to get a sampler of another desert. Damn Key Lime Pie!!!! It's my kryptonite.

9. Plan your evening better around pumping sessions. This one sounds horrible. I'll let the readers infer. But basically there were only 2 other things that were under more pressure than my stomach.

10. A 4-month pregnant drunk dude is not a sexy camper. Let this visual imagery be a lesson to you all.

Enjoy!!!

Gettin Our Church On!

Even Kings and Queens have to get the Catholic on sometime.  I had always been leery, trying to take the Twizzles and the KP to Church.  But the DQ2.0 finally made me go.  "We can't just show for the Banish the S-Man 2.0, and not have been to Church before!!!"

Alas.

So, we convinced Merle to watch the KP, and the DQ, the Twizzles and myself drudged onward to Church.  We got there and were instantly mesmerizing to the rest of the congregation.  Wow!  Two?  Yup, the DQ2.0's a rockstar Catholic now!

We go inside, and the DQ pushes aside some poor, unsuspecting chap, so that we could plop our burgeoning family down in the pew.  We must really have been a sight, rollin' 4-wide in a pew.  Thank goodness the church wasn't really full.

The Twizzles did great!  Nary a peep from even Squeaky Pete during most of the mass.  Then came time for Communion.  We each took on Twizz in our hands and waddled up to the front.

(Flashback:  To the Santa Maria ride into church... "DQ, how does one take Communion when holding child?"  "Well, silly goose, you just hold the kiddo, and open your mouth and stick out your tongue.  The priest plops It in!"  "Ew!  Really.  I mean, I'm supposed to stick my tongue out to a priest and God!  Can't I just put the baby down, and take It in my hand?!?"  "Nope.  Goofball!"  Not my most fun thing to do.)

So, back to the present, we're sauntering up to the front, the DQ2.0 and the Dude in front of me, and SqueakyPete and myself taking up the rear.  Fortunately, she had calmed down in my arms as we walked forward.  Hmmm, maybe I can shift the baby to on side, take the Host, and plop It in!  Yes!

The DQ2.0 reaches the front, the Dude gets blessed, and the priest plops the Host in her mouth.  She slides off, and I shuffle forward.  Here we go!  The priest blesses Mila, and then takes out this huge piece.  I fumble for a sec, I can do this....

I open my mouth...

The next part is very vague and blurry, but all occurred in slow motion, seemingly over 1 hour.  The priest lifts the Host up to my mouth... and then jabs It in left corner...  Hmm... This ain't going to work... I try to turn my head left and grasp It... but...

I felt It slip out... Oh... MY ... GOD!!! 

Not the Host!!!  I look to try to see where It went, hoping that It might just get stuck to my cheek, like a piece of lettuce..... Nope... I found It... in slooooow motion, floating to the ground....  This can't be happening... Not me!!!  Oh Crap!!! .... I just dropped Jesus on the floor!  The most important moment in Church, and I screw it up!!  The Host hovered in air for hours, it seemed, as gravity slowly brought It back to earth...  Then It came to rest on the brick floor....

I looked up at the Priest, who saw Jesus on the ground...  Another hour passed.  Sweat now started to trickle down my brow.  I could feel each and every piercing eye of the congregation boring a hole through my back.  This is it!  I waited for the thunderclap and lightning bolt from the heavens to smite me!  I think I said 8 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers in this split second.  I thought I heard a rumble in the distance, but is must have been my nervous colon.  The Priest looked at me, swooped down, and picked up Jesus. 

I'll take it dirty!  I don't care.  God Help Me!!!  Please end this misery!!!  Gosh, this is taking forever!!! 

He then ate it himself, and took out another Host.  Oh boy!  I can't do this again!!!  He hastily motioned toward my mouth.  I think I almost unhinged my jaw, trying to get this one in there....  I think he jammed It in the back of my throat this time, almost causing a gag reflex.  (That would have just put icing on the cake!!!)  Got It!  Thanks.  I slid off to the side, and walked back to my seat as fast as I humanly could.  I kept my head down and did not make eye contact with a single soul.  Amazingly SqueakyPete was squeak-free, during this ordeal.  Gee thanks, I could have used some sort of diversion out there!

When we got back to our pew, I looked at the DQ2.0.  She had seen the whole ordeal, and was thoroughly amused!  "I think I just got excommunicated!"  She busted out laughing!  As did I!

As Mass ended, the congregation filed out.  I stayed in my pew, head down, pretending to put SqueakyPete back in her carseat.  We finally did, and then scurried out the back door to the safety of the Santa Maria.

So much for the DQ2.0's rockstar Catholic status now.  But she still says we have to do this again every once in a while!  What will I do???!!!