Even Kings and Queens have to get the Catholic on sometime. I had always been leery, trying to take the Twizzles and the KP to Church. But the DQ2.0 finally made me go. "We can't just show for the Banish the S-Man 2.0, and not have been to Church before!!!"
Alas.
So, we convinced Merle to watch the KP, and the DQ, the Twizzles and myself drudged onward to Church. We got there and were instantly mesmerizing to the rest of the congregation. Wow! Two? Yup, the DQ2.0's a rockstar Catholic now!
We go inside, and the DQ pushes aside some poor, unsuspecting chap, so that we could plop our burgeoning family down in the pew. We must really have been a sight, rollin' 4-wide in a pew. Thank goodness the church wasn't really full.
The Twizzles did great! Nary a peep from even Squeaky Pete during most of the mass. Then came time for Communion. We each took on Twizz in our hands and waddled up to the front.
(Flashback: To the Santa Maria ride into church... "DQ, how does one take Communion when holding child?" "Well, silly goose, you just hold the kiddo, and open your mouth and stick out your tongue. The priest plops It in!" "Ew! Really. I mean, I'm supposed to stick my tongue out to a priest and God! Can't I just put the baby down, and take It in my hand?!?" "Nope. Goofball!" Not my most fun thing to do.)
So, back to the present, we're sauntering up to the front, the DQ2.0 and the Dude in front of me, and SqueakyPete and myself taking up the rear. Fortunately, she had calmed down in my arms as we walked forward. Hmmm, maybe I can shift the baby to on side, take the Host, and plop It in! Yes!
The DQ2.0 reaches the front, the Dude gets blessed, and the priest plops the Host in her mouth. She slides off, and I shuffle forward. Here we go! The priest blesses Mila, and then takes out this huge piece. I fumble for a sec, I can do this....
I open my mouth...
The next part is very vague and blurry, but all occurred in slow motion, seemingly over 1 hour. The priest lifts the Host up to my mouth... and then jabs It in left corner... Hmm... This ain't going to work... I try to turn my head left and grasp It... but...
I felt It slip out... Oh... MY ... GOD!!!
Not the Host!!! I look to try to see where It went, hoping that It might just get stuck to my cheek, like a piece of lettuce..... Nope... I found It... in slooooow motion, floating to the ground.... This can't be happening... Not me!!! Oh Crap!!! .... I just dropped Jesus on the floor! The most important moment in Church, and I screw it up!! The Host hovered in air for hours, it seemed, as gravity slowly brought It back to earth... Then It came to rest on the brick floor....
I looked up at the Priest, who saw Jesus on the ground... Another hour passed. Sweat now started to trickle down my brow. I could feel each and every piercing eye of the congregation boring a hole through my back. This is it! I waited for the thunderclap and lightning bolt from the heavens to smite me! I think I said 8 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers in this split second. I thought I heard a rumble in the distance, but is must have been my nervous colon. The Priest looked at me, swooped down, and picked up Jesus.
I'll take it dirty! I don't care. God Help Me!!! Please end this misery!!! Gosh, this is taking forever!!!
He then ate it himself, and took out another Host. Oh boy! I can't do this again!!! He hastily motioned toward my mouth. I think I almost unhinged my jaw, trying to get this one in there.... I think he jammed It in the back of my throat this time, almost causing a gag reflex. (That would have just put icing on the cake!!!) Got It! Thanks. I slid off to the side, and walked back to my seat as fast as I humanly could. I kept my head down and did not make eye contact with a single soul. Amazingly SqueakyPete was squeak-free, during this ordeal. Gee thanks, I could have used some sort of diversion out there!
When we got back to our pew, I looked at the DQ2.0. She had seen the whole ordeal, and was thoroughly amused! "I think I just got excommunicated!" She busted out laughing! As did I!
As Mass ended, the congregation filed out. I stayed in my pew, head down, pretending to put SqueakyPete back in her carseat. We finally did, and then scurried out the back door to the safety of the Santa Maria.
So much for the DQ2.0's rockstar Catholic status now. But she still says we have to do this again every once in a while! What will I do???!!!
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