(This post was originally typed during the inpatient hospital stay.)
Yes, fellow BY followers… the moment you all have been waiting for: Daddy's shot at glory! Oh, boy did I not fail you!
So there we are on Day 1 of KP's existence. We're all hanging around the room. The GC (I'm going to have to find a new nickname), Daddy, KP, and surprise guest Grandpa Jamie (AKA Paw Paw). We're basking in the glow of the KP Experience (which BTW is awesome… Day 1… slept all day!) Then it happened!
A twist of KP's face… a little grunt… then a grimace followed by a sound that everyone probably has heard before. Hmmm, she might've left us a present. I jumped up… "Man, look at the time. I think I have to take Jamie back to the airport."
By this time, Nurse Kathy had joined the hooligans. The GC:" Nooooooooo" with a sly smile. "I think it's time for Daddy to change a diaper!"
No! Dammit! Did she just…? Yes she did… I was officially thrown under the bus. In front of other witnesses no less (it was the only way she knew she could get away with it!). Crap!
So I take my place at the bottom of the bassonet. I gather the diaper and the wipies. Yup. I'm ready to go in! I undo the burrito wrapping around the KP. Then I see the enemy… Pampers! I undo the left tab slowly, so not to arouse suspicion. Then the right… I hold my breath, and open the present!
Well, there it was. Black, newborn baby poop! Looks like damn tar. Seemed the KP did 2 jobs: one which somehow bounced off the diaper and hit her right buttcheek, and the other one which didn't travel far after it left the barrel. Ok… no prob. I'll just wipe away the stuff. I start a wiping… damned poop wouldn't go away. I mean this stuff was like seriously tarred on her behind. There was no removing it. Was this some kind of GC setup? I dutifully wipe and wipe. On and on.
But then the KP realizes that she's exposed, and getting wet and cold. And damned if she didn't like it. She starts crying. Uh oh…. Time to move faster. I wipe more furiously. But each wipe seems to amplify the screams. Really?!?! Come on here girl! I finally get most of the poop up, but one little speck was remaining on the cheek. I should've left it behind… but I knew the GC was watching! This tar is horrific. I almost thought that I was going to remove some skin too. KP at this point realizes that the screaming isn't working… so now the thrashing has begun. Great!
Finally I get the speck off! Whew! I'm good to go. Let's move to the next stage. I get the new diaper, open it, and prepare. I artistically (or at least I thought) grabbed both of KP's legs (ok maybe I had some help from Jamie) and then threw the diaper down on the crib. Alright! Now we're getting somewhere. She's still wailing away… moving just enough to make the diaper attachment painful. I struggle to get the right tab down…. Then the left… whew! I'm good to go!!!!
Now to check and see if it's good to go… I pick her up….. and it holds!!!!! Yes!!! I'm Super Dad!!! I'm the man!!! Damn that MD degree is the bomb! Then I notice that the right tab probably needs to be repositioned…. So I put her back down and open up the diaper again….. I grab the tab to reattach it… then ….. pee starts streaming everywhere!!!! Oh, COME ON HERE!!! WTF!?!?!? Are you serious?! Dammit!!!! My fine work is ruined! I glance over to the GC as a bead of sweat falls down my head. She's smirking…. Damn that woman!!!
So KP's still wailing…. I open up the diaper again to try to clean her up… more tar-poo!!! Oh come on!!! This is un-freaking-believable. She seriously can't produce much more of that hideous stuff can she??? OH YES, SHE CAN!
I've just about had enough of this daddy hardening experience. I grab another wipie and get this poo before it hardens on. I clean her down. Grab a new diaper, and throw it on. I'm not giving KP any time to react. Finally I get the tabs down and then roll her up into a burrito. Then the wailing ceases… she falls back to sleep… all peaceful like. Done, for now.
I need a drink.
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