Daddy Goes Shopping!

Well, last Saturday finally came. We were beat (please read prior post as to why). When LaLa (the GC's mom) arrived at noon, I am sure we looked like zombies....

But then I got a shower and was recharged. I felt energized... like I needed to get out of the house.... I know! I'll go to Target! I love that store!

So I ask the GC if she needs anything from the store. "Sure, hon." So I get out a piece of paper, and get ready to transcribe... "Ok, I'm ready."

"Ok, we need some cleaning supplies." Got it

"Some light bulbs..." Ok

"I need a breast pump..." Ok..... er..... Wait a minute!! "What?"

"A breast pump..." Seriously?

"Yes" How do I pick one out? At this point I was hoping she would say, "oh you're right, that's silly... i'll get one later...." But no.

"Go to the baby section, and look for the one with the lady pumping while typing on the computer." Seriously? You want me to buy your pump?

"Yeah. Chop chop"

Nice... Wow... "I mean do you need anything else?" Some female pads or underpants perhaps?!?!?

"Oh yeah, I need some tops that can allow me to breastfeed" Oh come on now!!!!

"Yup. That's it. I'm going to go take a nap now."

Damn.

So I sulk off. As I am driving, 4Runner-style (much manlier than the hybrid), I am totally cursing out the GC! Damn, vile woman!!! Who does she think she is?!?! Man, I'm screwed! My manhood is officially out of commission (as if it wasn't before). I get to Target, and am still steaming as I walk in....

Ahhhh! Target!!! I love me some Target! One of the things I love about Target is that they have a fastfood section right in the entrance. Here I usually buy a 32oz fountain drink, and get like 5 refills before I leave. (I even do laps around the store, designed to pass by the fountain at key intervals for the refill. ahhhh the refill!!!). I needed a pick-me-up, so I buy a drink. Ahhhh much better.... I can definitely drudge through Target sans manhood now!

So I go off, diet pepsi in tow! First stop, women's clothing. Great. Might as well get it over with. So there I was, (imagine to yourselves)... a single dude in a t-shirt, shorts, and flipflops slurping down a 32oz fountain drink... mulling through women's lingerie... looking for some sort of breastfeeding shirt. Just lovely! Women were giving me dirty looks. One mother turned away, ushering her little daughter down the next aisle. Just great! I tried to mouth "My wife just delivered our first..." but it was too late. Damage done. I was waiting for the overhead security anouncement.... "Security to lingerie, ASAP!" I could see myself on websites now. "Honey, it's time to move!" But none came. After about 15min, I gave up. I had to move on.

Next stop, baby aisle. Oh my god! There were some many freakin babypumps! Unbelievable. There were two ladies with there newborns in the aisle too, checking them out. I stroll up, soda in tow, "Hey ladies... just checking out some pumps!", I think to myself. Dirty looks abound. "er... wife... pregnant..." No use.... Maybe it was the flipflops, too beachy. So I start looking. Had to find the lady typing on the computer. Finally I found it! Thank God! I see the picture.... holy crap! That is a freakin torture device. It looks like something from the Madonna Baby Pump Collection. I was absolutely dumbfounded. I mean, that thing CANNOT be comfortable. Holy crap, how does it stay on!?!? I have included some pics of the box cutouts, for your enjoyment. This thing is crazy! So I call the GC, for confirmation. That's the one. Get it! Check

So I put this ga-gillion dollar maternity torture device in the cart and shuffle off. Unfortunately there was no way to hide the pics. Everyone I passed with the cart had the same reaction: look down at cart, hmmm, look up at me, scornful face. I was defeated at this point. I didn't even try to mouth a supportive phrase. Yes, I'm a freak. This isn't for my wife, it's for me. But damn this Diet Pepsi is tasty. Oh wait... it's time for a refill... I circle around to the fountain! More scornful looks as I fill up my cup. Ahhh, tastes so good!

Then I get the even brighter idea... well if I have to buy this thing, then I'm doing it with class. I need some wine! I push off to the wine section, and grab 3 bottles. Get some crackers. Some soda was on sale, so I grabbed that too. Grabbed some other things on the way to the checkout line. Slurp... time for another refill... ahhh.

Man you should've seen the faces during checkout. Wow! I just kept slurping on my diet pepsi and the items go by. Crazy Madonna Torture breast pump. beep! (I actually cringed for a second, hoping that the checkout lady didn't have to do a pricecheck. But that would've really sealed the deal.) Bottle of merlot... beep! another bottle of merlot ... beep! I look back at the lady right behind me, who has this atrocious look on her face. "Yup... gonna be a wild night tonight!!!!" I pay and drudge off....

Oh wait, time for another refill!!