BY Fieldtrip!!

So, Mike, what did you do on your birthday?

Well, loyal BY Followers, I went on a BY Fieldtrip... to the New Hanover Regional Medical Center Betty H Cameron Center for Women and Children. Yes, we did!

Before anyone gets any wild ideas, this was a planned Fieldtrip, one coordinated by the GC and Jane (a head nurse at the NHRMC-BHCCWC.) (Editor's note: It seems that recently, since the GC has gone off to work, we have settled into certain roles. She's the breadwinner... and I'm... well, er.... the House Husband! I wake up in the morning, walk the dog, make the bed, tidy up, do the dishes in the bathroom sink. You know, all the daily chores! Then I might go out to run some errands: going to the bank, mailing something for the GC, picking up food. Maybe later I'll go to Bed, Bath n Beyond! I just don't know if there is enough time!!! ... Oh, I really need to start working soon. Pronto!)

So, back to the NHRMC-BHCCWC fieldtrip. I dutifully show up at 2pm to meet the GC. She's late (I guess my time isn't so valuable!!!) and then we call Jane. Jane comes down to meet us and take us on our tour. (Editor's Note: The NHRMC-BHCCWC is a new addition to the NHRMC. Supposedly the BHC is a very wealthy landowner in the area; the Cameron's dominate the Wilmington landscape. This building was recently completed to service and update the community. It is a very impressive, clean, modern building!)

We're walking through the triage area. Yada yada yada... Jane's yammering about some protocols about pre-birth and stuff.... blah blah blah... My only question: "We don't have to go through the ER, do we?" No. Great... Moving on.

Jane's moving, we're walking, she's blabbering. We enter a Birthing Suite (thankfully unoccupied. That would have been awfully interesting!!! Empuje!!!!). "Here's our suite. Over there you can see..."

A hottub!!! Sweet!!! I mean I knew this place was cool but alright!!! I rented a house with a hottub once. Granted, I was with two other dudes, but it was cool. I think I might have used it once. Greg and Jeff might have used it once or twice. Yes, we were 3 dudes with a hottub. Hmm. But this is great. I can sit in this thing with some bubble bath, a frosty Blue Moon, and enjoy the BY's birth. Yeah!! Get some pretzels! Maybe some popcorn... oh wait, chips and salsa!!!! Awesome. I think we'll have to move it to the other wall, you know. It sort of is facing the GC's south pole. Hmmm... not a great view for enjoying some brew in a hottub. I start walking toward this glistening piece of modern technology. Yes! Wait, where are the jacuzzi jets?!?! Headrest?!?!

..."Birthing tub" I hear Jane crackled through my bachelor-induced fog. What!?!?! er... pause... wheels ... turning.... Birthing... Tub...!?!? I then had an instantaneous picture of the GC in the tub, delivering the BY, and all the assorted other things (Flashback to OB... Empuje!!!) Then my whacked-out mind superimposed my image in the tub, drinking a beer.... Oh, God!!! I took like 4 steps back, away from the tub. Oh GOD!!! Shivers ran down the spine. I don't want to go in there! I felt like I needed a shower.

Cracked back to reality, I slowly focus in on Jane's speech. I see the bed... Supposedly it is a "labor AND delivery bed." Horrible horrible visions of my OB rotations started flooding back to me. I remember these, the end of the bed pulls off, and .... wha-la!!! Jane pulls out the stirrups, almost as if on cue. Gulp!!! I think I just churned up some gastric contents in my throat! I don't remember much about the stirrups, but supposedly these are new "comfort stirrups", per our guide. They didn't look all to comfortable. They were huge! And covered in light blue foam!! I guess they look comfortable.... but thank God I don't have to try them out. More flashbacks to OB... empuje senorita!!!

Jane shows us around the room. Pretty cool stuff, with some neat technology. She pulls out this remote control. "Let me show you this." The remote sort of looked like a tv remote, but it had a glass dome at the end. Sort of like a light bulb. It reminded me of something else, that I couldn't place. "This is to control the surgical lights." What! She starts waving and pressing the control. These ceiling lights come on, and start following the top portion of the remote. Oh, now I get it; it sort of looks like the vaginal US probe (seen much earlier in my life, unfortunately). Then as she waves the remote around, she places it in between the stirrups. The lights dutifully follow her. I had a vision of trying to use this contraption during labor... the OB swinging this dildo around violently trying to get the lights to look below the GC's equator. Oh God!! Once again, I swore to myself.... stay North, young man! Nothing to see in the Southern Territory!

Blah blah blah. Jane is still showing us around... and then we move on to the incubator/warmer. Uh oh. Reality is starting to set in. The GC appears to be taking it all in stride, I think. Then Jane shows us all the resuscitation equipment... little face masks, ET tubes. The GC goes: "Mikey, you have to look at how small these things are..." Er, not really. I'm cool with knowing that they exist, but really don't ever want to see them in action.

Then we're off to the 3rd floor; the Mother-Baby/Nursery center. I try to make eye contact with the GC, to see how she was handling this. Was she as freaked out as I? She seemed solid. Whew! That's my girl! She is, afterall, currently wearing the pants in this family.

We walk up to the Nursery. Nice circular room with many windows. Sort of like a fishbowl. Incubators abound! Reality was really starting to sink in! Yup, I'm having a BY! Oh boy...er I mean Oh girl! We see the rooms upstairs. They look the same, only smaller. No tub. I didn't think I could stomach another vision of that thing again.

We're done! Jane ushers us back to the elevator. We say goodbye, and the doors close. Quiet! Not a word was spoken. Only Muzak. Then, I saw her face, and knew!

Oh girl! We're really going to have a BY!

Empuje GC, Empuje!!!